In what seems like an eternity, we’ve reached the ’38 week’ mark. Our first bundle of joy will be gracing us with his/her presence in less than two weeks time (hopefully). I’ve finished work for nine months, urges to vacuum are in full swing, the compulsory ‘bewildered new mother’ first blog post has been written, and the head’s way down; we’re all set for launch. Bring on parenthood!
It needs to come out now. The cute butterfly flutterings have now evolved into violent attacks. The iron supplements poison me with crippling constipation. And my boobs just…aren’t what they were. As if these things weren’t punishing enough, I was greeted on Friday morning with the appearance of my first stretch mark. Since then ‘it’ has turned into ‘they’, and insist on multiplying daily. Needless to say, I spend my precious alone time lathering myself in oils, body butters, and moisturisers in the hope that I’ll wake up the next day and they’ll have gone. Fat chance. So here I am bidding a “bon voyage” to my ‘bikini days’. Instead I shall focus on recreating the ‘Kate Middleton blow dry’, and staining my skin a mucky orange colour in an attempt to divert my attentions away from said stretch marks.
Another niggle: why are people so willing to share their traumatic birth stories? It seems they can’t wait to divulge experiences of stitches, blood, and shit. I can’t bear it any longer. I’m well aware it’s going to be the most undignified time of my life. You can’t possibly make me dread the experience any more than I already am doing. Save it! Naively attempting to rid my mind of these negative thoughts, I picked up a book on Hypnobirthing after several recommendations from my ‘yummy mummy’ friends. The opening sentence: “Peace on earth starts with birth.” Bollocks. Needless to say I can already predict this hippy dippy preaching isn’t for me. Nor can I even begin to imagine Alex whispering its flowery mantras of ‘babbling brooks’ and ‘opening roses’ in my ear as my eyeballs roll in my head as I enter into some outer-body experience.
So there we have it: my first blog. It’s going to be a place of honesty; stitches, blood, shit and all!