Mum guilt 

I called Theo a ‘dick head’ today and instantly felt the familiar feeling of ‘mum guilt’. I usually get this feeling when we’ve had a brilliant morning, then I have to abandon him screaming at nursery whilst I have ‘grown-up time’ at work. Or when, for the third day running, I feed him fish fingers,chips, and peas because I can’t be bothered entering another super market after spending 40 hours a week in one. But I’ve never before called him a ‘dick head’.

I knew it was a bad decision before it began. Pressure to actually start Christmas shopping had begun, and instead of doing what I now realise was the sensible option of online shopping, I thought we’d have a fun day out in Hebden Bridge and combine it with visiting my ancient relatives. 

I took the pram. Great. By the time we’d got there Theo was asleep. I could get what I needed, then he’d wake and we’d go to a cafe for mummy/baby bonding. In theory. Wrong! Hebden wasn’t made for prams and neither were the people. I struggled to get in most shops whilst customers and shop owners looked at us like we had the plague. In the end I got so pissed off, I couldn’t face a cafe full of mums with babies in slings (smug bastards. I challenge you to carry a 2.5 stone toddler on your back), we ended up getting a pie from a bakery. Theo didn’t like his. He decided mine looked better. It did, but I was marvin’ and didn’t want to share. Two mouthfuls in, the tantrum kicked in. That’s it! We were going home. In theory. When we got to the car, Theo was hysterical. A rigid, spitting, biting, smacking, hair pulling animal (he definitely didn’t inherit that from me). That’s when I called him a “dick head”. Forty minutes of trying not to be violent, of offering rice cakes, bananas, and water, the FUCKING parking attendant told me my time was up. Theo stuck up for me, glared at him, looked at me angelically, and politely allowed me to strap him in. Thanks, son. 

We went home. Traumatised. So it’s a massive thumbs down for the people of Hebden Bridge. Small businesses, I tried to support you. This year it’s all about internet shopping with a brew and on demand Peter Rabbit. At least the thought was there.